Grief is a normal reaction to a death. However, for some people, grief and an intense yearning for the person doesn’t stop. This complicated grief is associated with more prolonged distress and disability. Around 10% of people are believed to suffer from grief that doesn’t stop.

Some indications that the normal grieving process has been derailed, and that complicated grief may be present include:

• Preoccupation with the deceased and continuing reflection on the death
• Persistent yearning or longing for the deceased especially after six to twelve months
• Difficulty making sense of the loss and worrying about aspects of the death and loss
• Feeling that life is meaningless without the deceased.

If grief is continuing to severely disrupt your life talk to your GP or to someone from your health care team. Health care providers can suggest self-management strategies that you can use. They may also suggest counselling or a mental health plan to help you manage your grief.

Not everyone is comfortable in talking about death and grief. Many people have not had any direct experience in caring for someone who is seriously ill or in supporting someone who is grieving after a death. They may think it is easier to not talk about the person who has died. They may not understand your emotions and feelings. They may be trying to cheer you up and stop you feeling sad.

This can make it very hard for you.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people. Don’t be upset if they haven’t contacted you. They probably just don’t know what to say. You may need to tell them that you are finding it hard and that you value their support. You can explain that being able to talk about your loss helps you and that it is important in helping you feel connected to friends and family.

Caring and grieving can be an opportunity for families to work together and strengthen family bonds. Encourage them to express their feelings and be involved.

Talk to your children about what is happening helps them to understand why people may be acting differently. You will need to provide brief, simple, and repeated explanations. Reassure them that it is okay to be upset and to talk about it.

Following the death of someone close, you may be worried about how to best support and meet the needs of children. You may already have had some discussion about one of the family getting sick. How you talk to them will depend on their age and stage of development as well their experience of loss. Talking to a five-year-old will be different to talking to a teenager.

When someone dies, you can help your children by trying to keep to a routine while letting them know it’s ok to be sad, but it is also ok to be happy, play and have fun. Let their teachers and other care providers know what has happened so they can support them.

If the death was that of a sibling, The Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne has information on bereavement.

Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays can all be reminders that someone you love has died. Watching others celebrate can be painful and you may find it hard to participate in family events.

Recognising that you are feeling grief, having conversations about plans with those close to you, and finding ways to remember your loved one can help you feel better able to cope. You may need to talk to friends about how you are feeling so they can support you.

Families may use the holidays and special occasions to remember the person who has died. You can share stories, play their favourite music, and go through photos together. Some families create a new ritual to honour the person who died. This can be as simple as making or buying a special ornament for the Christmas tree or including their favourite food as part of the meal. You may also share some tears as you remember them.

If you are finding the holidays difficult, think about the events where you will feel comfortable and supported and only choose to attend those. It’s ok to let people know that you don’t feel ready to participate in some events.